I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
