guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
