I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
