If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
