dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
