I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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