i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
