We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
