I want to make a zoo with you.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
