"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
