8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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