im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
