the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
