FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
