they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
