I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
