Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Randomize
