And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
