Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
