based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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