I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
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It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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