Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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