She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Drunk is not a location!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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