we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
