i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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