this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
