I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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