I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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