I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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