Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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