Need sex. Gaining weight.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
