420 ftw
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
