Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
