Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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