after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
