I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
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Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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