can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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