I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
