You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
