you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
