I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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