I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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