Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
