We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
