Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
