On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
