I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
