He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
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i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
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Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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