I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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