T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
