So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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