So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
