she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
