He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
