I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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