Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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