i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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