i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
